DONA Doula Training
This weekend I completed the Doula Training portion of the DONA certification process. It was an 18 hour course spread over two days that took place at the David Lam Douglas College Campus in Coquitlam (link to course description). Kathie Lindstrom and Jalana Grant were the instructors.
The DONA Birth Doula certification is based on the code of ethics protect and standards of practice set out by DONA. According to the literature, following these standards of practice and code of ethics the Doula from any liability or litigation while she is practicing and therefor the Doula requires no insurance. DONA describes the purpose of the doula to physically and emotionally support the mother (and partner) as well as provide resources and information about birth.
I found the course good for its scope. It is clear that the Doula training doesn’t cover anything that the Douglas College Prenatal Course covers (this is a 12 hour sit in we are to do in a DONA recognized organization, such as Douglas College or another local prenatal instruction method). Basically we learned what DONA is all about, how to become certified, what we are allowed to do as a Doula in the hospital setting and a little bit in the home setting, and how we might choose to incorporate Doula’ing into our life. In this way Kathie and Jelana were excellent. They both have a lot of experience as Doulas and work tirelessly in the field through activism, volunteering and their own Doula practices.
The curriculum focused too much on how to achieve certification in my opinion. Therefor, I didn’t feel that the course went into enough depth, either with regard to skills or to the class itself. I think that the birth process, both normal and unexpected outcome births were covered. I don’t think that we were adequately instructed on how to conduct pre and postnatal appointments with the mothers. In fact, it was on the schedule and sort of got overlooked, I think because there wasn’t enough time in 18 hours to fit everything in. I feel sad to have missed more explanation knowing that a lot of difficulties that happen during the birth can be mitigated with care prenatally. I suppose spotting issues early on comes with practice, but even a little bit of role playing would have been useful.
In the class there were over 40 women, which I felt was too many for us to develop a strong connection and network with our peers in the 18 hour period. This in itself contradicts the stress the put on doulas having backup by their collegues. The first day I met and connected with a couple of women. That night, on the way home, I had so much energy and excitement, I really could have used a retreat setting to burn some of it off by chatting, hanging out or having some sort of group discussion about a topic. Instead, we all went back to our respective homes to try and integrate back into our lives; very challenging indeed. The second day didn’t prove to be much better; we were able to connect a bit in our small comfort technique groups, but by the closing circle I realized that I hadn’t really gotten a chance to look 80% of these women in the eye! I think that this could have been a much more transformative experience had we been able to bond as a group. Bonding would have probably led to some great friendships and partnerships to help us integrate being doulas into our lives. Instead, I feel a little bit alone.
For the most part the course doesn’t provide a lot of mentorship after the training. Support and mentorship is offered through the Doula Services Association of BC, which we were invited to join at the price of 30$ for our first year. Apparently there are other organizations of Doula’s as well, but this was the only one presented to us. The instructors gave us their emails, which was generous considering how busy they are. Unfortunately, due to the size of the group and the shortness of time, I didn’t feel that I had a chance to develop a real connection with them either.
Overall, the instructors were wonderful and I met a couple of great women who I connected strongly with. I feel like I could attend a birth and be an asset in both the hospital environment and the home-birth environment. It will, however, take some practice to get the business skills down and develop the ability to confidently detect any issues that might complicate labour early on. Even though we are welcomed to sit in on the prenatal series at Douglas College, I think the course should have been at least three days for the $400 price tag, and I definitely would have been willing to shell out a couple hundred more for meals and lodging if it meant a closer knit group. As it is, $200-$250 would closer to fair.
Home sweet home
I am home. I arrived after deciding to leave two weeks early from my apprenticeship with Susun Weed last Friday. This past month has been a journey that has been surprisingly hard and incredibly personal to bring to synthesis on ‘paper’. Nonetheless, I wanted to share it, mostly because no one else has (out of the hundreds of women who have apprenticed) that I could find. Its not clear, or defined. In fact, I’m of two minds about the whole experience: on one hand I gained an enormous amount of personal power from the experience, brutal as it was. On the other hand, I left early; in the end I really felt uncomfortable about the aggressiveness of her methods. Here is what has been swirling around in my head since I got home, comments are welcome.
First of all, living with Susun Weed is more intense than any interviews depict or than anyone could describe in words. My friend Tammy did the 6 week shamanic apprenticeship 13 years ago and has been making pilgrimages back ever since. When I spoke with her about going, she tried to be as clear as she could about what I was getting myself into and that still didn’t even prepare me for the kind of soup I’d be cooking. Susan operates on the premise that everything that’s going on during the shamanic herbal apprenticeship is about you, which is relatively true. The way she teaches that principal is, in my opinion, hard to swallow. Apprentices who come to live with her are asked to follow her instructions without asking questions, be it about the rules and protocols of the farm, or the diet she asks you to follow. And she’s not kidding – there is no questioning her ways. When I got there I quickly realized that I signed up to take whatever she deals out, the yelling, the freak outs, the fanaticism – all the million names I created for it. She yelled and screamed and said words in ways that pushed my buttons. She claimed her right to be angry, disgusted, pissed off and hateful. That sort of behaviour is not common in our culture and was really hard for me to take. I wanted to come home every day. I really wanted to come home.
The fact that I was able to be so triggered by the way someone else reacted to my actions or words or lack of words was what held me there. I would wake up with sweaty palms and feet, scared that she would yell at me again and wondering how I could make it so that everything would run smoothly. It took some time before I was able to see that life is not about making everything run smoothly. As time passed, it became clear to me that she was going to yell regardless and that I needed to become more mindful in what I was doing so that when she yelled at me I would be able to stand on my own two feet instead of crying my eyes out and wanting to run. As far as I understand, this is what she does, she yells at you, and makes you have to stand in your power – whether you are wrong or right – and own your actions, thoughts and words.
This is not to say that I didn’t get encouragement. She would let me know when I had done something well (and not just by the absence of yelling) but believes that for the most part praise does more harm than good. In the shamanic apprenticeship, I was taught that the way of the Shaman is to run headlong toward the fear. I kept telling myself that that was the ultimate truth over and over as I was pushing through some very dense and dark demons inside of me. The way things were done were consistent, her reactions were fairly consistent, her ideas were consistent. That was really the only comforting part about the apprenticeship. All the power that I gained was mine. She didn’t coddle me or help me or coax me. Every step forward was work, painful and scary.
The darker aspect to the work begins with how different everything on the farm was from reality. For example, co-dependence was not allowed. I was not to do anything that I thought would be nice for someone unless I asked them if that is what they wanted. Her philosophy about this, which I want to share in a future post, was rather ingenious… integrating it into pop culture, though, I’m not sure how that would work. In effect, she has a certain way of doing EVERYTHING, the farm is in itself its own reality, and I tripped and stumbled over these new rules until I started to be able to see them before I broke them and experienced her rage. All the freaking out felt put-on if I was really grounded, like she was purposely doing it to teach me lessons, and I would see that in the moment, and learn from it. We would even talk openly about how well I handled myself (or didn’t) in the situation.
As a beginning, these rules and different reality are fine, but there is something about her personality that takes it far further than I could relate to at times. Some would label her way of relating to the world as Assberger’s or OCD, she called herself a high functioning autistic. She has everything a certain way not only because of its potential effect on consciousness, but also because she needs it that way to function. Her reactions seemed supremely out of proportion to certain events that transpired while I was there. Her ability to relate to how she effected other people with her behaviour in these moments seemed almost sociopathic – it was like she couldn’t see how out of line she was getting. But if what she says is true, perhaps it’s not possible for her. (I wonder if it is possible for genius to exist without insanity?) I witnessed a lot of people turn with contempt from the place, I guess they came thinking that she was going to be really nice and heart centred. In this way, she is hard to be around; she seems to think she’s right about everything, has something to say about every topic and is very aggressive in how she approaches things. The whole situation is completely abnormal. I could handle that for the first while, purely because I did indeed read the fine print and ask for her teachings.
However, there came a point where staying there felt narcissistic. I know that I tend to make decisions with the belief that if it’s not really hard, and really painful then I’m not learning. I started to want more than a one way conversation. I wanted to understand where she came to some of the conclusions she had come to over her life time and now held so fast to. Like the idea that raw food is devoid of nutrients. Or that she loved to freak out right at dinner time or during or right after deep relaxation in yoga when I needed blood to be in my digestive system or repairing my body and not in my feet and legs. Or that EVERYONE should drink 1 quart of herbal infusion EVERY day. Or that Reikian therapy is good for every person. Or that in coming there I submit to follow her instruction unquestioningly. How was she to continue growing as a shaman if she is always right? To me, it started to seem exclusive and dogmatic. I didn’t find her easy to talk to about these things. Everything that came out of my mouth was criticized for semantics, and then again for intelligence – and for a person that processes verbally, it was hard to get my thoughts in order. It’s funny, watching her videos (this series on Raw Food) and interviews now, I have a whole different take on her conviction.
So, as time wore on, I thought, yes, I can finish this. But do I want to finish something for the sake of finishing when I don’t believe in what is happening? I was really questioning the reality she had created in comparison with the dozens of other philosophies I have experienced. I realized that it was time to leave. Not because I feared her, or feared facing her, but because I wanted something more than what I was getting. I want to be taught, and worked hard but I want to be part of the dialogue as well. I don’t know that it is possible for me to be an unquestioning apprentice and still respect her ‘humaness’. I know that I have a lot of serious work to do with regards to events that have happened in the past. Painful stuff to go through, and I didn’t want to be putting myself in a position that was even more traumatic while I was going through it. Deciding to leave was hard. On one hand, I was worried about not finishing my commitment, I was worried that I was just running, that I was afraid and that I would never get another chance to learn and grow, and on the other hand I believe that everyone has a different tolerance to coarseness; mine is low and I like it that way. I like my sensitivity! Because my mind was so muddled, I relied heavily on my intuition – I used my pendulum and the feelings in my body.
When I went to her to tell her I was going to leave, the deal really sealed itself. I didn’t expect her to just open her arms and say, ‘oh! I understand, you know yourself better than anyone else, and I fully support what you are doing.’ or even like shamans I have read about, where they aren’t attached to you coming or going. But I didn’t expect her to berate me (only rarely did she call me names when I was there). She began by telling me that I was never to call myself her apprentice, ever. Okay, I was never her apprentice. She completely disregarded any information I was getting from my pendulum, saying that is was my own thoughts and feelings. She told me that she and Gordon thought I had a chance of becoming human, but sadly I’m not, and that all of their work and information was poured into a broken vessel, impossible to fix. She said that I am hysterical (a word that I am rather surprised exists in her vocabulary) and would never get over giving up and going back on my commitment to finish out my apprenticeship and that I will never recover from the damage that will do to my self esteem. Some other words were screamed, she gave me her disgusted ‘throw up on you’ face and then basically said go. Pretty intense. I kinda wished I had of recorded it. Morbid, I know.
After I shook that off, and stood at the edge of the driveway waiting for my taxi, I knew that I made an appropriate decision because while I was scared about facing my past demons… I felt more convicted than ever that I have the strength to do it. Walking away from that conversation without reacting to her or crying was new for me. I didn’t (completely) take it personally. I was able to hold what she was saying at arms length and say, well maybe that’s all true, but this is my decision and I’m holding to it. It was a hard decision to make, with pros and cons in both directions, and I made it. It felt awesome to fully trust my intuition. I left and got myself home. I realized that rushing to evolve my consciousness is not going to make things move any faster. Yes, it is my path, it will always be my path, but I don’t need to hold my nose in the bowl and make myself eat, so to speak (odd saying – I’ve never heard it).
What I learned from this trip is that nothing is ever black or white. No one way will ever work for every person; no diet, no teachings, no philosophy, no timing, no healing modality, no dogma. I’m standing in my power to clarify and follow my intuition. I’m fired up from my stay chez Susun, in a very good way. I’m ready to carry the ball (picture me in a football uniform with a dozen football players trying to run be down before I get to the goal area) and I will not go down easy. Things I didn’t quite know about myself.
*Synchronistically – After I finally finished this post I watched a couple of episodes of Medium (There will be blood … type A & There will be blood… type B) Illustrates rather well the two minds about which I’m speaking! (With reference to Joe’s superior, just so there’s no confusion!)
I’m going to be a Waldorf Teacher!
Yes! Today, this morning actually, I received an email from the Toronto Rudolf Steiner Centre that I have been accepted to the programme of 2010/2011. It starts this July 11th-24th near Boston, Massechusetts at the Rudolf Steiner Institute and finishes with an 8 month full time programme in Toronto from September to June. Then, just like that, I will be a teacher!
Holy, holy! I can’t believe it’s all come together before I am off to NY. It took me a long time to complete the application. Way longer than I expected actually, consider how much I enjoy the application process of most things. It included a handwritten letter of introduction, resume, letters of reference, application form… commitment indeed. But once they received it, it was just a week and a half and I had my interview and my acceptance email! The wonders of technology.
I am having a hard time believing that this is all coming together. This training is a gigantic step in the direction I want to move, not that I was concerned I wouldn’t qualify to get in, but until you’re in, you’re not in. The giganticness of the step comes from the fact that I have wanted to broaden and deepen my understanding of the holistic, conscious lifestyle for a long time, but never found a discipline that really held me. I have meandered along the surface of many philosophies and ideas, but true depth is where I’m going to reach a level of purpose and meaning with my vocation. Honestly, I am not convinced that I want to teach children for the rest of my life (I’m not closed to the idea) but I feel most called to teach to parents and caregivers. Yes, I love children and I am positive that the work I do with the Waldorf school will be amazing and transformative, but I believe that the work lies with the integration between parenting and teaching… and health (but I don’t really know how that will manifest for me…) And now the adventure is secure to begin! Patience grasshopper – my motto for the next few years.
Aaaaaaand I leave in 2 days for NY. And I’m still not half way through even one of Susun’s books??? Must go read.
Seeing
As I mentioned before, I’ve been working on my eyes. I’ve been having trouble stepping up to the challenge. With the Bellydancing, Alexander work and voice lessons, I feel like it’s hard sometimes, but generally no problem to motivate myself to do the work. With my eyes though, I’ve hit every kind of block imaginable.
When this happens, I wonder if it is not me, but the timing of what I have decided to do. Like my Waldorf Application. I made the first draft a couple of weeks ago. Then I sat down again and wrote another first draft. The timing felt right and the words flowed relatively easily. However, if I try and sit down and make myself write when the timing isn’t quite right, I get things done, but its a struggle and not very inspired. So, I’m wondering… is it the right time for my eyes? Am I at the right place to be working on ’seeing’?
So, I decided to investigate a little further. In Louise Hay’s book “Heal Your Body”, she talks quite a bit about eyes.
Eye Problems in Children
Probable Cause: Not wanting to see what is going on in the family.
Affirmation: Harmony and Joy and Beauty now surround this child.
Nearsightedness (see Myopia)
Probable Cause: Fear of the future.
Affirmation: I accept Divine guidance. I am always safe.
Myopia
Probable Cause: Fear of the future. Not trusting what is ahead.
Affirmation: I trust the process of life. I am safe.
I was a very, very sensitive child. I took circumstances personally and I acted out because of it. Probably one of the ways I acted out was through my eyesight. It would make sense that if you don’t relate well to reality, you might try to ignore it. And perhaps I am continuing in that same manner.
If I think of the future in an intellectual sense, I am pretty confident that everything will be perfectly perfect. I’m doing what I need to do to get where I’m going. I’m on track with my Waldorf application, I have a schedule for the Teen Talking Circle Training, I’m right on track with getting to Susun Weeds in April. However, it is how I have responded to these future events that reveals the truth.
Honestly, I don’t do things in the most efficent way. I avoid calling people – instead, I email them. I have a girlfriend who I write to (good and safe, the post takes a while to deliver!) and in her last letter, she told me that she is thinking about coming out. She said to call her. So, I’ve had the letter on my desk for a week and a bit, and I haven’t called her. It’s not that I don’t want to see her. I just do a lot to distract myself from what I could be doing to move forward on my dreams. I will check my email ten times a day, knit for a little while, warp my loom, listen to Justin’s challenges, got to bed late, get up late, avoid discipline, watch tv, listen to audiobooks, make myself too late for social events… All because I don’t know how to proceed most of the time, or I am afraid to. Not that any of these things are particularly bad in themselves, it is just the lack of intention and insight I display in combining them. In other words, I am being a little self destructive. I do things to demotivate myself so that I can ignore the dreams I don’t know how to follow.
Like I said before, it took sneaking up on myself to get myself rolling in the direction my spirit wants to go. It takes effort every day to get myself to practice… to stay disciplined. It has taken more than a half an hour to write this post because what I have seen is very illusive and hard to put into words. I think I’ve checked my email three times!
In this way, I’m not ready to see clearly. I think if too much happens at once, it can do more harm than good. I’m going to sit with this for a little while and use my glasses when I need to see more.