Lisa Tilson

Technology, my weakest link.
I recorded the podcast, edited it, felt somewhat dismayed at the imperfection of the whole thing, but decided to publish it anyway. Then it didn’t publish. I have decided to bide my time and continue to work with it until I have attained a sufficient level of knowledge to work the technical part. Yup, there is no point in rushing things, the technical learning curve was greater than expected, I am willing to live with that.
So, here I blog.
This week I found the Margaret Atwood Society online, and thought how amazing it must be for her, a writer who continues to not only live, but write, to have her own society of people actively analyzing her works. I decided that since I have become rather taken by Margaret Atwood’s wit and slightly tongue-in-cheek style of writing, that I would join the Society so that I too could contribute. It turns out that they are looking for papers on The Penelopiad, which I just happened to have in audio format. What an opportunity! I plugged in, grabbed my knitting and started listening.
I wasn’t entirely sure that I liked the book at first, which was partly due to my unfamiliarity with the reader, but also that it wasn’t written in the same contemporary style as the handmaids tale and the edible woman. Then, as I got into it, I began to see subtle inklings of her wit and modernity and I quite liked it. So, I am going to pick up the text from the library and try my hand at a scholarly paper.
I equate the word scholarly with university educated, a concept I continue to struggle with. I question whether university is the only way to educate, being that I don’t feel that my university education gave me the depth of knowledge that I assumed it would. Though I believe this is partly because of my majoring in French Literature, I don’t feel that my writing skills are even close to good enough to begin a master’s level education (or even good enough to merit the grades I earned with them). I find myself at a loss in textual analysis, grammar and spelling. I enjoy creative writing, but I know that knowledge in these aforementioned areas is essential to produce engaging work. I would really like to be a writer as prolific as Margaret Atwood, but is it possible to do so with an incomplete university education, and one in French to boot? I guess we’ll find out!
Honestly, I don’t believe that technology is my only weak link. I believe that I need more practice with the microphone, I need to spend more time on what I write, and work on the depth of my ideas. Perhaps weak chain is better than no chain at this infantile point in my career? I am excited to press on!

I vaguely recall a Yogi Bhajan lecture that compared persuing a spiritual practise to digging a hole. He said that if you constantly start new holes, you never actually get there. So, if you want to get there, eventually you have to pick a hole and stick with it. This makes complete sense. Physically, the earth is round, and so any hole, if dug perpendicular to the earth will evenutally end up in the center, thus all holes leading to the same place. Theologically, most religions and spiritual practices come down to roughly the same principals, its just about the story that suits you best. This is not to say that occasionally you won’t hit bedrock and have to call for a larger shovel, it just means that if you stick with one, eventually you will get there, and some therefore, are slower than others.

The hole also brings to mind the tag line from the film “What The Bleep Do We Know?”, how far down the rabbit hole do you want to go?, which of course brings to mind Alice in Wonderland (another story all together, or should I say hole?) Anyway, back to the tag line. Today I considered the question deeply. I have some pretty strong, double blind study style evidence that proves to me that a lot of things are possible, for example, astral projection or the ability to see, feel and interact with energy. I say prove to me, because the evidence is such that I understand it, others may or may not feel the same way. Everytime I get a hit of this, it strengthens my belief that perhaps there is even more to be seen out there.

Where am I going with this? Well, I have been trying out different spiritual tools, and today I am curious about the moon and its effects, and in the same vein, the planets. From my research, I have come to understand fairly competently the moons effects the ocean, and how the phases of the moon work, simple science. Furthermore, I can understand that if the moon effects the ocean, planting according to the moon would effect the growth and yield of your crops (Its no secret, its all over the farmers almanac.) However, there are a lot of people who invest in the idea that the moon effects people, their energy and the outcome of decisions, plans, ideas etc. I have definately experienced full moons that are out of hand, nothing going according to plan, people not communicating and whatnot. In fact, I find more and more that at least the full moon makes quite a significant impact on my life - it definately effects my menstrual cycle. So what about the other phases?

Today I found some information that states the best time to start an endevore, is on the new moon. Immediately, the podcast came to mind. The podcast did not come together last week weekend, not at all. Full moon. The full moon is a little intense for most new ideas, the energy being a little bit overkill (that makes sense, I was I little bit… shall we say, busy?) And what about this weekend, the waning quarter: banishing energy… getting rid of negativity, bad habits. Technically the New moon is the best time for this new project. Shall we wait?
Reasons why waiting would be a good idea:

1. I’m not even done writing yet (I can see why other podcasters invite contributers) and I haven’t even been lazy about it.
2. I don’t completely understand the technical aspect (will I ever?)
3. I got an intuitive hit during the Reiki Share tonight that I should wait.
4. The moon.

Reasons to dive in and air this weekend:

1. I said I was going to.
2. …

I am not one to take something as the word of god until I have really tested it out in my life, so this moon idea still needs to marinade for a while. Hmmm. Three to one then. It looks like I need to follow my intuition instead of waiting until Saturday at midnight like last weekend. I am going to wait. I’m going to give this moon thing a try.

On the bright side, I can blog more this weekend!

PS this weekend I am changing the website to: www.lisatilson.com. We will, however, be redirecting traffic from this URL, so both will work.

Today is day 4 of having a job, making yesterday day 3. Yesterday was also the largest order yet, my brother came over to visit and it was date night with my hubby AND not-to-mention my period coming on saturday. So, by the end of the night I was in the break down zone, my subconscious looking for something, anything to cry about. It was the carrots, that ended up coming from california for my so-called “local” spud order that broke the proverbial camels back. Yup, I stood in the kitchen with Justin inocently going over the miles that things on our grocery list traveled. By the time he got to the carrots that traveled more than 1000 kms to get to my plate I was blubbering.

This is an interesting position I find myself in when I am bound and determined to go from doing nothing, to doing everything in one week. I can recall a few other times since I was injured where I found myself going to the gym 5 times per week, working a new full time job and trying to maintain a social life only to end up with a kidney infection, lying on the couch on my first day off with a fever and a headache. This time, luckily, I am more aware of my body than to just run it into the ground.

So I took a glass of water and drank the whole thing (I don’t think I drank anything yesterday?) I cried, really hard for a good five minutes and looked at my expectations. Expectations are what lead to frustration and dissapointment - not insinuating that realistic expectations are a negative thing.

1. I expected perfection, speed and excellent coordination at my new job.
2. I expected to be as above AND get the kitchen cleaned up, make dinners, do laundry etc. without missing a beat.
3. I thought I should have had some time to knit on The Justin Sweater.
4. I epected that I should work all day with nothing but a rushed 15 minute lunch break.

NOPE. Once I decided that not only were these expectations unrealistic, but prevented me from listing to my body (ie: drink some water, do some reiki, sleep), I felt a lot better about myself. I am working on changing the way I work, against societies opinions of me, and against my own habits, I thought, this is going to take some time, some work and a little bit of falling down.

Inhale.

Exhale.

So, expectations in check, I went to meditate, then to bed. I slept in a little this morning, and woke up feeling ready to tackle my short work day.

Well, I got the job! Lorraine of Red Fish Kids Clothing has given me some samples to work on and present to her on monday, when I will be receiving some work! I am so happy to be working for this company. Lorraine is above all a very inspiring woman, a mother and an entrepaneur. She created a wonderful children’s clothing company that boasts preshrunk clothing made here in vancouver in a sweatshop free environment! Her designs are super cute, unique and practical.

The most fabulous part about the job, besides the karma free-ness of her vision is that I can work when I want, at home and do things that I enjoy. My creativity is encouraged! Not to mention that it pays well and leaves time for reading and writing.

As for the upcoming podcast, I have begun planning its formation and I will begin playing with the audio equipment early this week. I am planning to have it online sometime in the afternoon on Saturday the 24th of November, the full moon. I will write a post this week to give a bit of an outline.

I am also working on the reviews page. There should be at least one up by the end of the evening, possibly more!

I worked for a few hours this afternoon on the Justin Sweater. I’m rather excited about the progress and I hope to get it wrapped up by the end of November… or at least the first week in December!

The yarn: Silky Wool by Elsebeth Lavolde

The sleeves (which ended up being a couple millimetres different, something I could have avoided by knitting them at the same time on one long circular!)

The body - both pieces together on one long circular to avoid the problem described above.

Five months ago I began to erase the word “should” from my vocabulary. This is one of the first things I think I ever heard when I started looking at my own consciousness, but it wasn’t until five months ago that I began to realize just how deeply it is ingrained in almost every aspect of my life. I found it lurking in my education, work, career, vocation, love, family, social situations … pretty much any circumstances that depend on other people for their existence. Most noticably I found “should” tangled in the primal definition I had of myself and my purpose in this lifetime.

I had downloaded my definition of self from where I came from. More is better, more for less is even better. Save for a rainy day. Work is hard. You need a bachelors degree to succeed. Success looks like being able to manage it all in the new modern woman’s skin - career, kids and family, no problem. These phrases make me entirely uncomfortable. I didn’t want to do any of it - and I won’t do any of it anymore. I don’t want any part in poverty consciousness, mass consumption and commercialism, martyrdom or looking the part. What then? How do I throw out all of these things? What do I use to fill my life?

Luckily, I fell in love with and committed to a man with the same beliefs, which is a blessing. Next, I emptied it all out. I quit school, I quit working, I quit cleaning too much and I didn’t go out when it was sunny out. Any time I came accross a should, I didn’t do it. And that space was empty for a while… a long while. I was patient and slowly noticed that I have some demands.

1. I don’t work during my period. I do nothing, especially the first day, I just do what I want, and if I get cramps, then I find something I want to do more and they go away. (My period has synchronized with the full moon, my cramps are gone and the length has gone from 7 days to 5 - I’m aiming for 3)
2. My spritual practice comes before everyone.
3. Right now everything is on my terms. I have no responsibilities to anyone else (I cook and do laundry, as one can’t do nothing) unless my stipulations are met.
4. No guilt. I am not going to feel guilty for doing what I need to do.
5. The most important: This is a consious process, not an excuse for self indulgence and laziness. I must remain awake and listen to the insites of those that I trust.

As I started to listen to my demands, I noticed two simple truths: I need to survive and I need to fulfill my pupose. Its so basic and I LOVE it! It leaves room for fun (something I felt guilty about if I didn’t do enough “work”), time for learning and growing and enough space for listening to my voice.

These five months have been a slow excavation of everything that I didn’t feel was intrinsic to my being. I’ve given myself a voice, and now I can try things out and see if they contiribute to my purpose and my survival without the fogginess of other peoples ideals. Lately, I have begon to feel a little antsy, like my life doesn’t need to be so empty for me to hear my voice. Its time to bring some activity in. So, just like that, like I had spoke to the cosmos, I manifested a job interview for tomorrow. A perfect job where I can pick my hours, and how much work, that I’m doing something I like and I am good at, and that supports my environmental ideals. Perhaps this work can even contribute to my purpose?

Measure of success - I can always hear my voice.