Lisa Tilson

Wow, I haven’t written a blog post in a month and a day, well, two days if you count February 29th. I think it is time to step it up a little bit. No wonder no one comments!

Today I had the realization that I have been on the verge of for a couple of weeks. Are you ready? My highest purpose has to be bigger than me. I know this sounds simple, and theoretically it is, but in practice… no, it is not simple.

Having a purpose that is bigger than you means that you answer to that purpose, not to you and your ego. For example, my marriage. Justin and I are happily married, everything is going fine and then wamo, month 10 into our first year and we are looking at the baby idea. Now, if the baby thing was about me, or about Justin, we would have had an argument that went something like this:

“Justin, I want a baby.”

“Wow hon, I don’t think I am quite ready for that yet. I have just started my masters, last week I retired from the company and I am feeling like I finally have some time to really explore who I am.”

“Well ya, but I really want one. I feel ready. How come you get to have the final word?”

“It does take two to be parents hon, and I don’t feel like I am prepared to fully take on that role.”

“Alright, well, I am not interested in watching my cycle anymore, so if you don’t want to have a baby, you will just have to go without sex.”

Ouch. Ego’s clashing, claws out we might have just gotten one step closer to a divorce. If we have a purpose, or third thing, in our marriage that is bigger than us, then we can avoid hurting eachother in discussions like this. For Justin and I, we are still discovering and defining exactly what our third thing is, but we have decided that to make any decision we must first ask the question: will this bring us closer in our marriage. This is how the conversation really went.

“Hon, I think we need to have a conscious discussion about weather we want to start trying or not. I feel like we have been careless in watching my cycle, and I don’t want to get pregnant out of carelessness, even if we are ready.”

“I have been feeling the same way. Since we have started working with Don (a buddhist monk) and I have quit work, I feel like I have a pretty full plate with school and my own spiritual work. I don’t think I am quite ready, maybe in a couple of years?”

“A couple of years? Ack! I am soooo ready now. I feel like we could manage… I don’t want to be old when we have kids” (looking back on that now… this is me whining a bit - understandably.)

“Remember what Don said? (He mentioned that he had never seen two enlightened people have children together) I want that. I want to be those parents”

*I’m thinking - enlightened? But that could take years!

“I agree… I want you to feel like you have had the time to do what you need to do, but I don’t really think we need to wait two years. ”

“We are quick learners. But I want to finish my degree.”

“Okay. I agree that having a baby right now would be hard on us with the current circumstances. Can we revisit this conversation in a year?”

“Yes. A year would be great.”

I have a tendancy to think about me, and my needs, where Justin has a tendancy to be a little bit more global. He wants to provide a secure home with parents that are as karma free as possible for a child. Where thought I normally think along the same lines, I am feeling the maternal instinct, which makes me impulsive. I recognized when he mentioned Don’s comment that I was not thinking about our well being as a couple, nor was I thinking about the well being of a child coming into a stressfull home, no matter how maternal I am feeling. So I shut up and answered to our purpose as a couple: What is best for the marriage?

As I mentioned, today I realized that my highest purpose is bigger than me. Along with our purpose as a couple, I have my own purpose - to serve the earth and to serve the people on it by contributing to an elevated state of consciousness. This morning I had to get up really early and go downtown for a tv spot about our green wedding. I was being really victimy about how long it was taking, and how late we were in the schedule. As I tried to express my feelings about it to Justin I realized that I was being asked to go on TV so that people will be inspired to serve the earth. This opportunity was directly aligned with my purpose and I was whining about having to sit and enjoy my book for an extra hour! VICTIM!

After this realization, I felt torn between the way I had been carrying on - and the need to maintain it to try and justify my irritiation, and relaxing my grip on what I wanted to be completely humbled by what I really wanted. Eventually, (thank god before we went on tv) I dropped my ego trip and was truely humbled by the idea that our little wedding was something that inspires people to go green.

I get it. It’s not about me.