Five months ago I began to erase the word “should” from my vocabulary. This is one of the first things I think I ever heard when I started looking at my own consciousness, but it wasn’t until five months ago that I began to realize just how deeply it is ingrained in almost every aspect of my life. I found it lurking in my education, work, career, vocation, love, family, social situations … pretty much any circumstances that depend on other people for their existence. Most noticably I found “should” tangled in the primal definition I had of myself and my purpose in this lifetime.
I had downloaded my definition of self from where I came from. More is better, more for less is even better. Save for a rainy day. Work is hard. You need a bachelors degree to succeed. Success looks like being able to manage it all in the new modern woman’s skin - career, kids and family, no problem. These phrases make me entirely uncomfortable. I didn’t want to do any of it - and I won’t do any of it anymore. I don’t want any part in poverty consciousness, mass consumption and commercialism, martyrdom or looking the part. What then? How do I throw out all of these things? What do I use to fill my life?
Luckily, I fell in love with and committed to a man with the same beliefs, which is a blessing. Next, I emptied it all out. I quit school, I quit working, I quit cleaning too much and I didn’t go out when it was sunny out. Any time I came accross a should, I didn’t do it. And that space was empty for a while… a long while. I was patient and slowly noticed that I have some demands.
- I don’t work during my period. I do nothing, especially the first day, I just do what I want, and if I get cramps, then I find something I want to do more and they go away. (My period has synchronized with the full moon, my cramps are gone and the length has gone from 7 days to 5 - I’m aiming for 3)
- My spritual practice comes before everyone.
- Right now everything is on my terms. I have no responsibilities to anyone else (I cook and do laundry, as one can’t do nothing) unless my stipulations are met.
- No guilt. I am not going to feel guilty for doing what I need to do.
- The most important: This is a consious process, not an excuse for self indulgence and laziness. I must remain awake and listen to the insites of those that I trust.
As I started to listen to my demands, I noticed two simple truths: I need to survive and I need to fulfill my pupose. Its so basic and I LOVE it! It leaves room for fun (something I felt guilty about if I didn’t do enough “work”), time for learning and growing and enough space for listening to my voice.
These five months have been a slow excavation of everything that I didn’t feel was intrinsic to my being. I’ve given myself a voice, and now I can try things out and see if they contiribute to my purpose and my survival without the fogginess of other peoples ideals. Lately, I have begon to feel a little antsy, like my life doesn’t need to be so empty for me to hear my voice. Its time to bring some activity in. So, just like that, like I had spoke to the cosmos, I manifested a job interview for tomorrow. A perfect job where I can pick my hours, and how much work, that I’m doing something I like and I am good at, and that supports my environmental ideals. Perhaps this work can even contribute to my purpose?
Measure of success - I can always hear my voice.
sarah
November 19, 2007 | 1:12 pm1
There - I read it all and registered and then took a couple days to think about comments. I loved reading, for starters - it’s like a diary, or like talking to you on the phone
And I learned a lot about you, and your perspective, and your life at the moment, which is always amazing - particularly when I’m this far away. It’s like we just had tea and talked for hours!
I had a couple thoughts about your writings so far. I absolutely admire what you’re doing, that you’re taking the time and energy to figure things out - it would be nice (and then world would be a much nicer place) if we all had the ability and motivation to do what you’re doing. I think sometimes, even if you have the opportunity, it takes so much courage to stop and decide to do what you need to do for you, and have faith that that will benefit not just you, but everybody else - who look at you funny for what you’re doing, and then realize what an amazing person you’ve become. There’s a girl in our program (I think maybe I told you about her, but I can’t remember) who, after five years in a PhD program, has decided to get her PhD and then go into a nunnery. I think it’s the right decision for her, it just took awhile for her to finally get to the place where she knew it was right for her, and to get the courage to actually take that step.
I was torn when first reading, though, because I had this reaction that it’s somehow selfish or pretentious to take care of oneself and to take the time to find your own awareness and your own path - but it’s absolutely not, and I know that self-awareness and understanding are really the beginning to being in the world in the best way you can, which is good for everybody. I suppose that reaction comes from something in me which I am not yet aware of, and have yet to untangle completely. I do feel that it’s not fair that not everybody does have the ability to try and accomplish the awareness piece - but I suppose such is life. And hopefully the people that do have the ability and do manage to get to consciousness will encourage others and maybe even change the world a little bit to make more opportunities for others (who spend all their lives working or trying to survive and thus have no time to stop and BE) to do the same. What a dreamer I am
Until I have more thoughts… or until your next post!
xox