Lisa Tilson

Why is committing so difficult? Whether committing to a marriage, a spiritual path, or myself there always seems to be an unbelievable amount of resistance to sticking with it. I find that the motivation I had in the beginning to do it, fades and I am just left hanging by a string at some point, battling with my ego on some stupid technicality. (I’m going to exclude the marriage question in this one, just because it involves someone else, which seems to be easier for my mind to wrap itself around.)

This morning I woke up to my alarm, after having committed to waking up at 5:30am. I laid there for a little while, my cat came in to say hello, I toyed with the idea of resetting the alarm, my cat left and I fell back asleep, music blasting. The next thing I knew, my cat was leaping around the room after a bird that had presumably been carried in by her mouth. HOLY CRAP. I was definitely awake. I jumped out of bed, hissing at my cat to stop, opening all the doors and window, when finally the bird landed on my dresser, safely above my cats reach. Shortly after, the bird catches its breath, and following a few near escapes, finally makes it out the window.

What does this have to do with commitment?

I immediately connected it to the karma lecture that the monk gave last week.

We were talking about karma and how it works. He explained the different kinds, which gratefully cleared up my bad / good karma assumption. To make it short, for those who may be thinking, “oh do share!” There are four types: Experience - tit for tat type thing, do something nice and something nice returns (but not quite so simple as that); Environment which the reality around you, be mean to everyone and one day you rely on those you were mean to; maturation which is emotional, act in a negative way, and eventually your world actually becomes negative - your karma is living it; action which is behavioral Karma. Basically when it comes down to it, all karma is a positive experience, because it creates the classroom you are meant to be in.

The connection with commitment lies within committing consciously to personal growth. When one wavers, or goes back on the commitment, the karma is much more intense than it would have been if they hadn’t committed consciously. I understand this not to be related to fear and sin, but to be an understanding between the universal energies and me. I want to be a conscious person on a spiritual path, and so when I commit, I am asking to be taken seriously. This means bigger karma - larger consequences but also larger rewards (if we are still in the “good karma / bad karma” understanding of everything).

Last night I committed to getting up at 5:30am because that has proven to be the best time for my body to wake up (obviously my ego doesn’t agree!) And by deciding to let my ego win by going back to sleep, I was awakened in a more painful gross manner. Neat. Its nice to know that karma even works at 5:30am. Lesson learned.

Now to remember this motivation when I am diddling around on the Internet at 10:30pm, or lying in bed, passively allowing the strength of my ego to beat me down. Perhaps the question is: Is the karma enough of a motivation to stay committed?

As I flounder about in this period of self discovery, I keep coming back to at least one truth: consciousness. I first really understood the concept of consciousness when I began studying Kundalini Yoga and the teachings of its master, Yogi Bhajan. His teachings often brought up with in me a resounding “I knew it! I knew that there had to be more to this life than the typical “work to buy a car so that you can get to work” lifestyle philosphy” but I was unsure up until that point, exactly how to break the mold. In his lectures he encourages us to become aware of ourselves, our thoughts, our actions and our egos. I learned that this awareness alone would allow me to have a certain level of control over the path I walked. (Pause for grammar and continuity check of paragraph) I just realized that I knew about consciousness earlier, before I could actually percieve of it. Lets back the train up.

My first exposure to the concpet was in 2nd year English during an in-class reading of Plato’s Allegory of the Cave. The professor interpreted the piece further than Plato does in the conclusion, for those of us who didn’t quite get it, after finally “seeing the light” persay, I remember being overwhelmed by this amazing philosopher’s intelligence. I knew at that moment that I could not spend my life chained to the wall knowing that there was more to be had. The problem was, what exactly was I looking for when I turned away from the wall? I didn’t even know who to ask, or what I was asking about.

I suppose that was what lead me to deepen my exploration of the only thing that I could equate to a giant light - God. Which lead me through an exploration of all major religions, leading me eventually to the teachings of Yogi Bhajan. As I mentioned in the first paragraph, this is where I “got it”. The most important lesson I learned from that period in my life was to become conscious of how my decisions, most of which I had always taken for granted, effect me; consciously, energetically and physically. This has the basis for anything I chose to integrate into my practice or lifestyle.

As amazing and exciting as this new revelation was, I soon realized, however, that this way of life, is percieved as kind of … wierd. The part of the allegory that exemplifies what I’m talking about here is this:

Last of all he will be able to see the sun, and not mere reflections of him in the water, but he will see him in his own proper place, and not in another; and he will contemplate him as he is.

Once one sees the truth, one can’t really look away, because the truth is always there in the back of ones head. So even if this man, goes back to the way he once lived, chained to the wall, there is always a dissonance between him and others. The allegory goes on to describe what that dissonance looks like - you look crazy, or stupid to regular people, because they don’t know what you are talking about.

This is where the Buddhist proverb comes in. You are in a pickle, you can’t look back, but going on is a little bit painful. Funny thing is now, just like me, you have seen the truth first, and understood the proverb second! (This is apparently how it always works according to a non scientific survey of people who have broken out of their chains) We’re in this together now, floundering around looking for other people who think about the same, crazy reality that exists beyond the apparent reality. Even that sounds a bit crazy… oh well, at least we have eachother! Happy Halloween!