Every once in a while I get into what have come to call, the vaccum space. Its a period of time where I have a hard time keeping my head on, I become spacey, I have a hard time having conversations with people, I get nothing done and on top of it all it seems that time is being sucked into a vaccum. I am currently in that space. ARgh… damn the phone… Okay so today, after pondering, I think I have figured out what happens to land me in such a deschevled state.
- I am really busy with something. This time normally happeneds after school ends, after I spend a lot of weekends in a row doing things that are energy consuming (canning, extreem gardening, family stuff, Christmas)
- Due to my predominant Hera characteristics, I forget about myself for too long (see explination below)
- Everything suddenly goes back to normal. Justin goes back to work, I’m at home with a huge pile of laundry and often a dirty kitchen.
- The suddeness of normal leaves me with nothing, and I realize that I haven’t felt myself in a long time.
- After a couple of days of doing nothing and wandering around in my house coat, I realize that I need a nap and I sleep for 1-4 hours.
- I am able to feel myself and start doing what I do again.
The Greek Goddess Hera: Today I finished the Hera section in my book Goddesses in Everywoman by Jean Shinoda Bolen. The Hera section has been particularly enlightening to me, as she has been the predomanent archetypal energy since I was about 14, possibly younger. Briefly, she was the wife of Zeus and represents commitment, marriage and the archetypal wife. Generally a Hera woman treats her marriage like a career, no matter what else is happening, the marriage comes first. When she is single, she is searching for marriage, and when she is married, its all she is really concerned about. The positive polarity of the Hera woman is that she is very aware of the energies in the house, and knows exactly what is happening with the marriage. If the husband responds positively to this, they are ensured a close and committed relationship. The negative polarity however, is that she lets her own goals and committments slip, including those to her purpose, her family and friends. You can see where this is going.
Since I have gotten married, my life has been amazing, but I have seen the tip of some of these tendancies, which I have tried to control by belonging to clubs or groups alone, especially those types that are mostly female. However I have felt myself slip. This morning I was meditating, which is really the first time I have done so since christmas, and the thought popped into my head: What would I be doing if I wasn’t with Justin? I simultaniously felt slightly guilty for thinking such a thought (unecessary) and felt that I wasn’t doing anything right now for myself. I have let my podcast slip, I haven’t read hardly any of the interesting books I got out the library two renewals ago and I have been spending all of my time thinking about the life changes in my house right now and none about how that might be effecting me.
Today was the nap day. I slept for an hour and a half when Justin left, and then have felt restless for the whole day, like I don’t have enough time to do what I want to do with myself all the while, watching the clock tick by until it is nearly five pm at which time I have to go to a healing thing that I don’t know if I even want to go to because I haven’t spent any time doing what I want to do. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG. Phew. So, I’m going, because its one of those groups that I belong for the sake of forcing myself to feel myself. Its a place where I can focus on me and healing myself without feeling like I need to justify it.
As a side effect of all of these thoughts in my head, I have realized that I am rather sensitive to the household energies, and that it sends me into a spin when I don’t take the time to integrate newness inside myself. My goal is to be able to do this before I get to the point where I forget about myself; invoke a little bit of Artemis. It is wonderful to see what my tendancies are, so that I can enjoy the postive polarities of the seemingly negative characteristics.