Five months ago I began to erase the word “should” from my vocabulary. This is one of the first things I think I ever heard when I started looking at my own consciousness, but it wasn’t until five months ago that I began to realize just how deeply it is ingrained in almost every aspect of my life. I found it lurking in my education, work, career, vocation, love, family, social situations … pretty much any circumstances that depend on other people for their existence. Most noticably I found “should” tangled in the primal definition I had of myself and my purpose in this lifetime.
I had downloaded my definition of self from where I came from. More is better, more for less is even better. Save for a rainy day. Work is hard. You need a bachelors degree to succeed. Success looks like being able to manage it all in the new modern woman’s skin - career, kids and family, no problem. These phrases make me entirely uncomfortable. I didn’t want to do any of it - and I won’t do any of it anymore. I don’t want any part in poverty consciousness, mass consumption and commercialism, martyrdom or looking the part. What then? How do I throw out all of these things? What do I use to fill my life?
Luckily, I fell in love with and committed to a man with the same beliefs, which is a blessing. Next, I emptied it all out. I quit school, I quit working, I quit cleaning too much and I didn’t go out when it was sunny out. Any time I came accross a should, I didn’t do it. And that space was empty for a while… a long while. I was patient and slowly noticed that I have some demands.
- I don’t work during my period. I do nothing, especially the first day, I just do what I want, and if I get cramps, then I find something I want to do more and they go away. (My period has synchronized with the full moon, my cramps are gone and the length has gone from 7 days to 5 - I’m aiming for 3)
- My spritual practice comes before everyone.
- Right now everything is on my terms. I have no responsibilities to anyone else (I cook and do laundry, as one can’t do nothing) unless my stipulations are met.
- No guilt. I am not going to feel guilty for doing what I need to do.
- The most important: This is a consious process, not an excuse for self indulgence and laziness. I must remain awake and listen to the insites of those that I trust.
As I started to listen to my demands, I noticed two simple truths: I need to survive and I need to fulfill my pupose. Its so basic and I LOVE it! It leaves room for fun (something I felt guilty about if I didn’t do enough “work”), time for learning and growing and enough space for listening to my voice.
These five months have been a slow excavation of everything that I didn’t feel was intrinsic to my being. I’ve given myself a voice, and now I can try things out and see if they contiribute to my purpose and my survival without the fogginess of other peoples ideals. Lately, I have begon to feel a little antsy, like my life doesn’t need to be so empty for me to hear my voice. Its time to bring some activity in. So, just like that, like I had spoke to the cosmos, I manifested a job interview for tomorrow. A perfect job where I can pick my hours, and how much work, that I’m doing something I like and I am good at, and that supports my environmental ideals. Perhaps this work can even contribute to my purpose?
Measure of success - I can always hear my voice.