My mom was right, I only do things when and if I want to do them. This is the precipice blocking my journey to conscious evolution. Not only that, but I have denied it for my whole life - hence a precipice and not a small brick wall. For years, I blamed it on her and her timing. ‘No mom, its jut that you always want me to do what you want when you want me to do it.” Let’s be honest, in my present state of consciousness (which I realize after today isn’t entirely different from my state of consciousness when I shot that witty statement back at my mom), I will never want to do laundry or cook lunch and dinner for my husband then clean up afterwards. NO one, not my mom, not even my husband can make me do something I don’t want to do.
I get that it’s not that I don’t want to do the dishes, it’s that I would rather be doing something else. And that even if I was doing something else, there would eventually be another thing I would rather be doing. Which means that isn’t the activity bringing the satisfaction, but the feelings I get from doing it. So, every ‘thing’ is the same, if I can find the way to conjure the feelings.
The monk says that the keys to developing the ability to conjure feelings without actions are: to notice the details, and to eliminate negativity. I am going to add a third factor, to have the clarity of mind to do the first two. Intellectually, I get this. Today, I didn’t particularly feel like gardening, but after the week I have had, being in the house alone rearanging stuff and cleaning didn’t feel like a very good idea, so I decided to go outside. I built a rock garden in the front bed, and at some points, I got into the zen of rock harvesting. I even noticed I was in it. I knew that if I got into doing something, anything - by focusing on the details - I would feel better. So, at times, when I was really into it, I felt better.
At that point, things got complicated. Instead of passively being distracted by the how of the rock harvesting, my ego one upped me and hurried me onto the next thing, thus making my focus on the details ineffective for conjuring the feeling without the action. My clarity of mind had obviously up and left me when I began to think that I was getting what I wanted by hurrying my rock harvesting to get inside and knit, where I found myself excited to finish my sock so that I could get onto writing.
Clearly these patterns have deep foundations. But unbeknown to my ego, I still have some fight left in me.
Until next time.